The Life and Times of Bill and Fred
by Mister Frodo
Summary: Based on Star Wars Battlefront II. Two stormtroopers struggle to find meaning in their lives in the ruins of the Jedi Temple. Please R&R is you want me to write a sequel!


Bill sighed. "I hate this job."

"I have to agree with you."

Bill turned to face the stormtrooper standing next to them. "So, what did you say your name was again?"

"I never said what my name was, you idiot." The soldier shook his head. "Man, you're dumb."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you'd get so emotional about it. Okay, what's your name?"

The soldier pointed at his nametag. "Fred. Couldn't you have just read the nametag?"

"Well, that would have been _way_ too easy. I have to make this difficult for the humor and suspense."

"Suspense?"

"Yes, suspense." Bill straightened his blaster rifle. "I don't know about this, man. We just stand here all day long, with no point. That guy with the name over his head told us to stay here, and yes, we _have_ to stay here. All we've been doing is stand next to this blue light beam thingy, and listen to John Williams's music, and there's that guy with a cheap British accent who keeps saying we've 'lost a command post' and we need to 'take it back.' What does that mean!"

"Hey, dude, I have no idea either." Fred glanced over his shoulder. "Did you notice the people popping up next to us?"

"Yeah, what's with this army? I sign on to fight, and we just stand here doing nothing. I think we should be crushing some Rebel resistance or fighting in space, but no, we have to be fighting here. In the Jedi Temple. That we've owned since Episode III."

"No, I was talking about the people. Why are they popping up next to us? Shouldn't a dropship be bringing them or something?"

"All good questions, I guess." A sudden movement caught Bill's attention. He turned to the spot but the flash was gone. "Wait. Did you see something?"  
"Yeah, I thought it looked like—"

A figure in a gray cloak flew past their view. They watched, speechless, without talking, silent, quiet as a grave. Did I mention they didn't talk at all?

Fred whistled. "That is _not_ a penguin."

"Well, come on!"

"What?"

"Come on!" Bill jumped down the steps of the Jedi Council room. "We have to catch that guy! He's obviously an enemy!"

"How do you know?"

Bill wheeled around. "The guy had a gray cloak with the hood up, was creepy-looking, and smelled bad. What else could he be?"

"But didn't that guy tell us to stay here?"

"Yeah, but it's not like he's high ranking or anything. Besides, if we kill that guy, we're sure to get a promotion!"

"I don't know." Fred shrugged. "I have a bad feeling about this."

"Man, you always have a bad feeling about something."

"What are you talking about? You've known me for five minutes."

"Right." Bill faced the hall. "Let's go already."

"Fine. But I'm going to regret this."

They headed down the large hallway. Bill pointed towards a corner up ahead. "See, the guy was heading towards that corner. So we turn around, and bang! There he goes."

"Um, dude, you know those numbers at the top of your viewscreen?"

"Yeah? What about them?"

"Um…the blue number is getting smaller."

"Don't worry." They reached the bend and entered the second part of the corridor. "Blue is neutral. Red is bad guys, and green is good guys. So we're in the clear. It's okay if the neutral number's going down. I mean, who cares about neutral guys?"

"I don't know. That base we were at was blue."

"That meant it was a _neutral_ base, so both our guys and their guys can be there without being shot." _Please, what is this guy, an amateur?_

"But I didn't see any Rebels there."

"Well, maybe you should have been more observant." They reached a small room with two doorways leading off and another blue light beam in the middle. "Dang. Another neutral base. I wonder where our bases are."

"You sure those aren't our bases?"

"Listen, dude, I know my colors. Green is good. Red is bad. Blue is neutral." He sighed. "I don't see anything here. Maybe that guy—"

Suddenly the guy in the gray cloak ran past them. They watched him go to a doorway leading outside. Bill smiled. "It's our lucky day. Let's get that guy!"

They dashed out into the balcony section of the temple. The gray cloaked figure stood by the edge, staring out at the Coruscant skyline.

"Okay, here's the plan." Bill crouch-walked towards the figure, with Fred right behind him. "We sneak up and shoot him in the head."

"Dude, we can't shoot him."

Bill stopped. "Why not?"

"Because, if we did that, the story would have to be rated K+. We want the story rated K."

"Stupid rating system." Bill held up a hand. "Okay, fine. We'll crawl up to him and hit in the back of the head. That will knock him over the edge to a gruesome…Well, I won't go into the details. Okay, let's go."

He tried to lay down, but couldn't. No matter how hard he tried, he could not make his body become prone. "Dang! Fred, I can't crawl."

"Neither can I." Fred snapped his fingers. "Darn. Though this does explain why I've had so much trouble sleeping lately."

"And I can't even punch either!"

"Yeah." Fred nodded. "I've had some trouble with that. Apparently we don't have the brains to just stick out our fist, or carry a knife, or something."

"Okay, screw this." Bill jumped to his feet. "I'm going to take him out. Old school."

"Wait. The targeting thing is blue. That means he's neutral, right? We can't kill him."

"Listen, he disguised himself as a neutral person just to shake us off. These enemies are tricky. Now, watch and learn." Bill fired his weapon. The laser bolt hit the cloaked person and sent him tumbling off the edge of the balcony.

"Dang you!" Fred moved over to the edge and peered over. "Now the story has to be rated K!"

"Who cares?" Bill reloaded his gun. "We are so gonna be heroes. At least, I will. I killed him."

"You two!"

A guy with a _very_ big gun ran up to them. "What are you two doing? What did you just do?"

"We killed the evil cloaked guy, sir!" Bill saluted. "So, when do we get a promotion?"

"You idiots! That was the Emperor! You killed the Emperor!"

Fred pointed at Bill. "Um…he did it."

Bill gulped. "It was an accident. I'm sure Darth Vader will understand. He's going to kill the Emperor in Episode VI anyway, right?"

"Who cares about that?" The officer pointed his weapon at them. "I hereby charge you two with treason and the inability to follow orders. What will you do?"

"Well, that's an easy question." Bill stepped back slowly. Fred followed suit. "We're going to do our only option."

They wheeled around and jumped off the edge. Bill turned to Fred as they fell to the ground below.

"Why didn't you tell me it was the Emperor!"

"Well, I didn't know!"

"Oh, that's great." He glanced up at the stars shining overhead. "I guess this is it."

"Yeah, unless we get a sequel."

The city's buildings rose up to meet them. Bill shook his head. "I didn't want to go like this."

"Don't worry." Fred shrugged. "We're still flying half a ship."

Bill glared at him. "I hate you."

"Right back at you, smart stuff."

_Will Bill and Fred die? We don't know. But I have so many stories I'm writing at once that I'm not going to continue this story. Maybe I'll make a new story starring Bill and Fred and post it. Yes, I know it's short, and not completely clear, but hey, that's life. Here, for the first time in a Mister Frodo story, are the end credits:_

**Created, Written, and Directed by me**

**Based on characters created by George Lucas and me**

**Based on the game by Lucasarts and Pandemic Studios**

**Starring Bill as Bill**

**Fred as Fred**

**Random Stormtrooper with a Big Gun as Random Stormtrooper with a Big Gun**

**And Captain Honsor as the Emperor**

**All proceeds go to the Foundation to Make Republic Commando 2**

**Special Thanks to God (for making me), my brother and sisters (for being there and playing Xbox with me), my cousins (for playing with me), Lucasarts (for making some awesome games), George Lucas (for making Star Wars), John Williams (for composing Star Wars music), and, of course, Bill and Fred (for actually agreeing to do this)**

**Very Special Thanks to God. Again.**

**And I hope you all enjoyed the story. Until next time, signing off, folks.**

The adventure doesn't end here. Check out these other exciting stories from Mister Frodo:

**Halo Survival**

**Halo: First Person Shooter**

**The Javelin (Mega Man)**

**The Sidewinder Crew (RvB/Halo)**

Bill sighed. "Yep. Couldn't resist using this story as an advertisement."

I nodded. "You know it."

_Over and Out_


End file.
